my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
