Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
