You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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