She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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