Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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