i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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