Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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