Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
