he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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