I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
