do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
