And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
