sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
