I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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