dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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