How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He? As in you personified your dick?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
