I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
