Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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