I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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