i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
