Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
