Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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