It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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