I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
