Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
