I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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