My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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