Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
