If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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