1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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