Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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