I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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