Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
