Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize