I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So many bounce houses so little time
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
