wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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