mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
