Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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