I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
