Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
