dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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