I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i think my tv is drunk
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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