They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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