Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
