I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
they're like a gay fantastic four
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
