I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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