I cannot find my penis.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
