Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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