I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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