I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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