i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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