This girl is more easily done than said...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
