Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
