Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
