I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
