I have demons in me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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