I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
