Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
