Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
