The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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