I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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