My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
