Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
