I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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