I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
