Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
