I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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