That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
