Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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